Happy New Year

Wow. It is January 1st. I have to say waking up and it being a new year and thinking of all that "stuff" you think about, changes to be made, new changes to make, etc. Then reflecting. Then the tears come down. It is January. My Dad died in January. It is almost like a count down even though I don't want it to come. I miss him every day but on "the day" it was the worst day of my life. Out of nowhere a call that says where do you want his body to go? What? He's dead? When? This morning? No preparation, nothing. Yes, he didn't suffer, yes, this is the way he would want to go but it sure does stink. Charlie asked why I was crying. I said I miss Pappa. Charlie said, "Pappa is in heaven, do you want him back?" Profound for a 3 year old. I feel like saying, YES, I want him back!!! Do I really want him back? Yes! Is he in a better place, YES. It is hard. I think anyone who has dealt with a death knows it is hard. Your head knows all the right answers, your heart feels different. For the time that has passed since he has been gone I have had to pray over and over, "I believe, help my unbelief." I have never felt Christ closer. Am I thankful, YES. Bobby got me a book for Christmas, When God breaks Your Heart. The preface of this book was written by Joni Eareckson Tada. She says, "I am still learning the cost of following my Savior. But it is becoming clearer. I see that pain is a bruising of a blessing; but a blessing nonetheless. It's a strange, dark companion; but still a companion. It drives me deeper into the fellowship of sharing in Christ's afflictions, and closer to that place of intimacy with Jesus that is sweeter than words can describe." Sweet intimacy is the blessing. Your life slows down and you get up slowly from the dust to see what really matters. I struggled and still struggle with the selfish side of death. Meaning, when I cry and cry, I am crying for me! He is not here, it is all about me. I miss him, I want him back, I love him. This selfish side of death that creeps in there and you are trying to put visine in your eyes so no one knows you've been crying, that is hard to deal with when typically I do not like attention. That is not me. It is a balance of being able to think of my Dad and then moving on. That is hard. Our traditions and way of living has been rocked. Everything has changed! We are clinging together and we each know our pain and where we've been and how far we've come. It is as if we are saying to each other, it's o.k. God is in the midst of this whether we like it or not. We will get through this. This is a turning point that we will always look back at. God's beauty and love is deeper than I even know. I think with all of His Doings around the world, why would this matter. Little 'ol me crying for my Dad who is sitting at His feet. I feel like He should say, Get Over IT! But He doesn't. My solitude for these past 2 years from "life" has been His time with me. He does care. I buy cards for my Dad at times, and this one was a pooh bear card. It said, I can get used to missing you, I just can't get used to being without you. So true. Truly wishing all of you a Happy New Year filled with memories that matter, simple time spent together and most of all time spent alone with your heavenly Father. May you feel and see His blessings like never before.....