May 31, 1940

Today is my Dad's birthday.  It is hard to believe he would be 71 years old.  So hard to believe……birthdays are hard for me.  Probably because he loved birthdays, probably why I love birthdays.  He made such a big deal about someone's birthday.  I do not mean extravagant, I just mean thoughtful.  He celebrated with a dinner.  Food was a big deal for my Dad.   When I lived with him, we ate out every single dinner.  I mean every single one, unless we bought food and brought it home.   During these times we did the old fashioned dinner thing,  talk.  He talked to me about everything.  I think about my Bobbi Marie, being a teenager and all, and then I think that he had to deal with me, being a teenager and all.  Wow.  That is utterly amazing.  Some men couldn't handle it.  He did and did it well.  At the time I didn't think anything of it.  Now that I have a girl that age, I think he is more extraordinary than ever.  This morning I thought about what made him so special to me during those years.  He wasn't the fussy type, he didn't shop for things unless it broke.  He called jeans, dungarees.  He was a simple kind of guy.  What he did with me was listen, the long lost art of listening.  He spent time with me.   He came to my cheerleading events and sat up in the bleachers, by himself.  He trusted me, I trusted him.  He gave me a security that is hard to come by.    He said that I raised him;  that is so funny.  We both didn't really know what we were doing but we were given each other.    I learned how to do laundry, clean, grocery shop.   Most importantly, I learned to work hard, to listen.  I learned that the road is not always easy, the answers are not clear, but there is a way to go that is the right way.   He gave me confidence to trust myself.  To trust God.  No matter what anyone else is doing or saying, to do the right thing.   I could go on and on.  When someone is taken from you so unexpectedly, I think what would I have said if I could.  What would I have said if I knew I would never see him again, here on earth.  How would I tell him how much he meant to me, how much I needed him.  Then I think, he knew.  I have no regrets.  He knew how much I loved him.  He knew how much I appreciated everything he did for me.  It was a chunk of our lives that we only had each other;  circumstances that made me his.  He didn't think twice, he took me and loved me. That is something that binds people from the inside.  I love you, Dad.  I wish with everything in me, that I could hug you and see you for just a moment.  But, that was not God's plan.  God's plans are perfect.  That is just me, missing you, loving you from my heart, where you will always be.